Courting Crows Report #2: The Arrival

The following is the second status report on my mission to befriend crows. For context, you can find the previous posts here:

• Original Mission Statement
• Report #1: The Crow Tapes

It’s been 3 weeks or so since I posted my last Courting Crows report and we left things in quite the cliffhanger, didn’t we? With me fighting the good fight, performing my daily routine of depositing 10-15 unsalted shelled peanuts on my Crow Plate Pole Version 1 every morning at 7am flat, dutifully wearing my Crow Hat, only to have an onslaught of ruthless party crashing squirrels clean the entire plate before the sun has even fully set. A harrowing tale, indeed. 

So what happened next in this hero’s journey, you ask? 

Well, first I installed a squirrel baffle on the Crow Plate Pole Version 1. For those not familiar, a squirrel baffle is basically a large cone, quite like the ones you put around your dog’s head to keep it from biting itself and to ensure it feels like a total asshole around its friends, that you wrap around the pole to prevent the squirrels from climbing the pole. I should have installed one at the very beginning of this mission – this ain’t your boy’s first time setting up a bird feeder – but I was naive and overly optimistic and I accept the shame that comes with such a colossal and unforgivable mistake. Nonetheless, the squirrel baffle lived up to its name (a dumb stupid name that I hate so much) and it baffled the squirrels. I guess if I saw a cone on a pole, I’d be a bit flummoxed as well, so I totally get it. 

The squirrels never touched another peanut on the plate of the Crow Plate Pole Version 1 post-baffle. Conflict resolved. 

But still, no crows. I considered that maybe the plate atop the Crow Plate Pole Version 1 was too small. It certainly wouldn’t support a murder (of crows), and I guess maybe I had set my expectations too high in thinking that the crows would simply take turns and access the little plate one at a time. Seemingly, no.

Since we all know that crows like shiny things, surely they’d like a shiny plate, right? So, I drilled some holes in a silver pie tray, zipped-tied it to the top of the Crow Pole, and took a minute to admire my newly baffled, re-plated, upgraded Crow Plate Pole Version 2. 

And then I waited. 

And waited. 

Still no crows.  

I was not deterred, mind you. I understand that this is a game of patience, and as I said in my previous Courting Crows Report, I have an uncanny ability to methodically repeat the same task ad infinitum, and so if I need to walk outside every morning at 7am in my pajamas and a damn Crow Hat to deposit 10-15 unsalted shelled peanuts on a Crow Plate Pole Version 2 until there’s no unsalted shelled peanuts left on this dumb planet to deposit, then sign my ass up! I accept the challenge! 

And not to mention, there were some promising signs. 

One morning, in the middle of my daily peanut drop, I heard the tell-tale squawk of crows and I looked up to spot a murder flying directly overhead. I felt like every castaway on a secluded island who watches helplessly as a plane flies by and into the horizon, oblivious. I resisted the urge to jump up and down and wave my Crow Hat wildly over my head and make loud squawks at the sky.  

Another morning I was walking our dog Alice in the neighborhood, and she and I watched as a crow descended from above and landed on the sidewalk a couple hundred yards ahead of us. It even allowed us to get kind of close to it before it flew away. Then, as we were nearing home, another crow (or maybe the same fella from the sidewalk?) flew by and perched on a power line behind us, almost as if it was following us. Or, maybe, guiding us home?  

The rational, middle-aged version of me knew that I was just experiencing the Frequency Illusion –  crows had always been flying around the neighborhood, nothing had changed, but now that I was crow-aware, I was simply hyper-conscious of them. But the fantastical, middle-aged, Crow Hat wearing version of me wondered if this was the awkward early phase of a new friendship, and the crows were indeed flying alongside me, studying me, curious, but keeping their distance… 

Then, a couple evenings later, Sabrina and I were out for a walk with Alice, and weren’t even a block away from the house when Sab suddenly yelled, “Look!” and started running. I’m slow and uncoordinated and just stood there confused, but Alice chased after her, like, “Hell yeah! Let’s do this! Whatever the hell it is we’re doing!”  

Sab then yelled, “It has a peanut in its mouth!”

She had spotted a crow with a peanut in its beak. One of our peanuts? You’re damn right it was one of our peanuts. Sab was convinced.

We raced back home to investigate the Crow Plate Pole Version 2 and saw what Sab already knew we’d see. There were no longer 10-15 peanuts on the Crow Plate Pole Version 2 plate.  

Things went back to being quiet for a couple days and I began to get antsy. I feared that we were losing momentum. I purchased three fake crows that I planned to position around the Crow Plate Pole Version 2, with hopes that these fake crows would show the real crows that this was not just a Crow Plate Pole zone, but a full blown rocking crow party, and all crows are invited! I didn’t want the real crows to feel like my buddy Jim and I did one night in high school when we snuck out of his parents house to walk to a house party being thrown by one of the popular girls at school, but when we made it to her house, we were too nervous to enter and we ended up sitting in the woods next to it instead, trying to get up the courage to crash the party, eventually giving up and going back to his house and drinking two beers each that he stole from his parents and watching RoboCop. I didn’t want the crows to have to go through that. 

And then… 

Last Friday. April 3, 2026. A day that will henceforth be known as Crow Day. 

But there was no time to sit back and enjoy the moment, because that moment was probably still happening right outside the window next to the kitchen table! I jumped up, raced over to the window and peered through the blinds, and I saw the crow with my own eyes, briefly, before it took flight… 

The crows had arrived. 

Visual confirmation achieved.

Mission Accomplished. 

Well… maybe not that last one. My end goal, as you know, is to become friends with crows, not just to creepily stare through the blinds at one as it eats a peanut. There’s plenty more work to be done here, plenty more mornings of depositing 10-15 peanuts in the Crow Plate Pole Version 2 plate at 7am in my Crow Hat, before I’ll be singing Kumbaya and kicking a hacky sack around with my black winged buds. 

But step 1 is complete. It’s a small win, made even smaller by the fact that the crows have not returned since the initial arrival, but it’s a win nonetheless. 

Also, building upon the momentum, I’ve upgraded the Crow Plate Pole once again. I replaced the silver plate with a much larger rubber plate. It’s no longer shiny like the previous pie tray plate, but it is bigger, more sturdy, and it’s green, matching the green Adirondack chairs nearby, making for a nice aesthetic. I think the crows will appreciate that.  

It’s just a minor upgrade, not a major feature or enhancement, so we’ll give it a minor version number increase: Crow Plate Pole Version 2.1. 

Next steps: 

• Install a crow-sized bird bath
• Research bird call whistles for crows

Stay tuned.  More updates to follow. It’s almost party time, my friends.

“A wise crow picks its friendships with care, valuing depth over quantity.”

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